Starring: Literally no one you'll know. It's a Russian movie with only Russian people in it.
Plot: After a scientist is expunged from society for performing genetic testing on people to make them super heroes, he goes underground and plots revenge. When he resurfaces the world needs those same genetic super heroes to save the world!
Runtime: 88 minutes +/-
Review: What a time to be alive! We get Jason Statham in The Meg, we get reboots, rehashes and super cool long needed sequels (see my review of Shane Black's The Predator) and we have the opportunity to watch movies from a completely different country, in a completely different language, no matter how ridiculously terrible they are!
Sorry, I'd like to correct myself, this movie was dubbed in English, not subtitled and I don't know Russian, though I AM learning how to speak it! (Mama means mom in Russian, mind blowing!)
So I felt the need to talk about rehashes as I'm writing this article just after the Ferrell and Reilly Holmes and Watson was just released and was more or less universally panned, and wanted to bring up The Meg as it was a movie that wouldn't have gotten being screen success five or ten years ago and this movie, for me anyways, seems to be along those lines, even if significantly worse.
Made for a whopping 320 million rubles, it was sadly a box office flop, bringing in 273 million rubles... wait, that's 5.4 and 4.6 million dollars?! Wow, that seems not that bad of a movie on such a "small" budget. Regardless of that, the movie was hated by most and made very poorly, naturally I enjoyed the heck out of it.
Made to combat the American Super-hero movies but, as far as I know anyways, there aren't really too many Russian super hero's, they had to do things on the fly and sort of create their own super heroes. Lucky for you guys, I made a list of all of them!
1.) Super fast Asian emo ninja dude!
2.) telekinesis guy!*
3.) can withstand extreme temperatures and turn invisible in water lady! (Literally. They actually say she can become invisible in water, not any other time.)
and last, but certainly not least,
4.) turns his upper half into a bear man!
I chose not to learn their names because then I would become attached and couldn't bring myself to do that. I'm gonna say right now though, their acting may be the worst I've ever seen, and I have indeed seen a lot of foreign films before. This is horrendous.
*weird little side note about telekinesis guy, from what I can tell his telekinesis only works on rocks, so he's more of an earth bender from Avatar: the Last Air bender, but in a bad way. And when I say bad way, I mean in a way that he loses a fight with the villain (who I'll get to) because they're weren't enough rocks around him, but he was literally surrounded by rocks and there were walls made of brick all around him, so I'm intrigued by this guys power. Sedimentary rock telekinesis man! Also, he looks far too much like a homeless person.
The villain, who I dubbed "big baby" was this unnecessarily jacked human being with wires sticking out of his head and into his back, weird looking six pack that, for some reason, seemed to randomly glow orange throughout the movie and had the face of a gigantic baby. When I say gigantic baby, I want you to picture the weird baby mask from happy death day. I reallllly wanted him to have an obnoxiously high voice, but he didn't. It was disappointing. He's also a genetically modified human being who modified himself to be huge, but it didn't really look right. Have you ever seen the movie UHF? If you have, there's an awesome scene were "Weird" Al Yankovich plays Rambo and kills a bunch of guys, but you can tell it's just a real rough looking rubber suit. That's what this is, but it's 2017 when this move is made...
The plot is pretty basic, the villain was kicked out of society for doing awful tests on humans, plots revenge because the world doesn't seem things his way and then generic fighting ensues. The first bit of fighting involves the Guardians losing the fight because the villain "knows them better than they know themselves" and can win easily. So what do the good guys do to win the next fight? Get better suits for them to fight in of course!
There's a bit of a plot here where the villain wants to take over the world using a computer program that allows him to control all electronics and machinery in the world, which is super generic BUT, he does so from a computer that looks to be a 1990 macintosh that had to keyboard connected and couldn't even play minesweeper, which was a super fun game, but drove me up the wall because my brain isn't good enough to play it. I chose to ignore the plot as it was getting in the way of the hilarity.
So the good guys get new suits right? The ninja guy gets a suit that has a grappling hook attached to it, which wouldn't be useful in any other circumstance. The Earth bender gets, wait for it, a suit with rocks attached to it so that he never runs out of rocks guys. GENIUS. He also has rocks that somehow turn into a whip like an old Castlevania game? Very odd. The only turns invisible in water girl gets a suit that allows her to turn invisible all the time. So they're basically set.
What's that you say? I forgot about turns his upper half into a bear man? No, I didn't, I just wanted to give him his own section because his is a doozy. So, when in human form, he's a scientist. When in half bear form, he's half bear, with the mind of a bear and can't speak, can only roar like a bear. He's really afraid that when he goes "full bear" that he may not come back. He thinks the next time he goes "full bear" he won't be able to come back from it. Which mostly makes sense, being a half man, half bear walking down the streets of Moscow could draw some attention to someone. So the suit they give him is the most confusing of all. They give the half bear man a backpack that has a mini gun attached to it, and when he goes "full bear" the mini gun can sense this and goes into automatic mode and shoots basically everything.
Cue the final battle scene of the movie, it's only 88 minutes long so there isn't really much plot or story to be missed. All the new suits come in super handy when fighting the bad guy and, much to my amazement, when half bear man goes "full bear" he doesn't just lose his human inhibition's, he literally turns into a giant brown bear with a god damned machine gun on his back! I was laughing so hard at this I dropped my pen. No wonder they didn't give him a suit, holy crap! The bad guy is winning again because I suppose he realizes that they're still the same people underneath and the suits do nothing, so they fly away to safety and leave him to take over the world. Happy ending for all. BUT WAIT!!! They don't fly away to safety at all, they fly away to a distance and all four of them somehow learn more about themselves somehow because the four of them combine their powers into Russian mega-zord and shoot a gigantic telekinetic ball spirit bomb style! (that's from Dragon Ball Z. I figured people knew that already, but want to make sure). They kill him and save the day!
The movie ends in a very typical way of them going back to their own lives but saying "we'll be there when you need us most" type thing and their boss saying she found more people like them. Not like bear man he'll die alone, but like the rest of them, mostly normal.
Holy hell, this movie is a rollercoaster of hilarity and if you're super drunk, or stoned or there's like a group of you around and wanna make fun of a movie, this is the movie for you.