Starring: Vin Diesel, Michael Caine, Elijah Wood, Rose Leslie, Joseph GilgunPlot: Kaulder (Diesel) killed the oldest and therefore most powerful witch, but with her dying breath she curses him with eternal life. 800 years later she's coming back and he has to put it all on the line. Basically think of Pitch Black meets the Fast and Furious franchise. There will be a lot of spoilers, so is you can't guess how this movie will go or genuinely want to see it for anything other than making fun of it, please don't read on.Review: So Cory Goodman, Matt Sazama and Burk Sharpless are all in a room having written such gems as Dracula: Untold and 2011's Paul Bettany wonder Priest, they're ready to get down to serious writing. A biblical story about segregation in the medieval times, about the bounce back from the black plague when one of the three looks up from his writing and says "the bible had witches right?" only to have the other two sit for a moment pondering and exclaim "Fuck it, this one does!" So they set out writing this magical piece of work. The drama turns into action, the segregation turns into witches, the fantastic dramatic stylings of Robert Redford turns into Vin Diesel and they have something that grabs... but they lost Redford and now need someone with acting chops. Their buddy Breck Eisner knows just the guy and the pitch to get him. He goes up to Michael Caine and says "Mister Caine, can I call you Mister?""My name is Michael, but I guess?""Mister, I have just the movie for you, the role of a lifetime.""Alright my son, let's 'ave it.""You're basically the Max von Sydow role form the Exorcist...""That's great! Let's do it!" Signs contract."But it's about witches and the star of the movie is Vin Diesel. Don't worry though Mister, We got you Elijah Wood to be the Jason Miller to your von Sydow."Michael Caine dies on the inside a tiny bit.That's how I imagine this movie started. That, or a weird ass acid dream that made them have a seizure on paper and someone buy it, because this movie was just... amazing. Have you ever listened to the podcast How did this get made? This movie was made for that podcast. It starts, as I said, in medieval times where Vin Diesel plays a viking, or warrior, oh no, he's a witch hunter for the axe and cross path of the church. But the way it starts one would think they walked in halfway through The Fellowship of the Rings because they're trudging through the snow above the mines of Moria, only to find a MASSIVE tree that is the home of a coven of witches. A speech starts about how they're going to get revenge for the black plague to which I cock my head in a confused dog look (Wait, did witches cause the black plague?) only to have them say they need to kill the head witch, BUT, and I quote, "She won't be dead until her heart stops beating." Immediately I am in with this movie. It's my new best friend and I just exclaimed "Holy shit, she won't be dead until her heart stops beating! That's so deep and true!" The Fast and Furious Fellowship kill a bunch of witches and Vinny D (I assume that's what his friends call him?) stabs the head witch literally through her entire body. This bothered me because it's not easy to do that. He took a sword and thrust it through her sternum, ribs and potentially spine... AND a tree behind her. That's remarkable and a feat that is really tough to accomplish. I mean, I know Vin is the strongest man alive and all, but really. On her death bed she curses his with eternal life.Fast Forward to 800 years later and Vin Diesel is his suave and kinda weird looking self, still fighting the good fight but with better clothes. Enter Michael Caine, the 36th dolan who records the exploits of Vin. A rough part of the movie for me is when Vin constantly calls Michael Caine kid, or kiddo or buckaroo because he's so much older than him, but that's really kinda disrespectful and you'd think someone who's 800 years old would have some fucking manners. Michael Caine is about to retire and hand picked the 27th dolan for Vin, a "young" Elijah Wood (he's only 35 but man does that guy come off as way older to me) to assist him in the future. On his last day of retirement Michael Caine gets killed by some dude, but no one knows who, only to have Vin give a little revenge speech. He takes Wood to see "A 14th level Warlock" who works in a bakery and puts magical grubs and creatures into baked goods, which is against church law... and regular law I'm pretty sure. The Warlock is in a room surrounded by butterflies and is blind, gives Vin some stupid lead to find out who killed Caine. I'm just saying, dude seems WAY more like a Shaman than a Warlock, and I could be wrong here, but get your facts straight of which path to magic people go down writers! In his findings he meets Joseph Gilgun (who was in the later seasons of Misfits, or Englands Emmerdale if you're curious) someone who is immediately found guilty of killing Caine, and gets condemned to a witch prison underneath a church. A sentinel made from Bone manifests to life and takes him underneath the church... looked kinda cool, but I don't see why it happened at all? Vin doesn't believe that he worked alone and finds out that Caine wasn't killed, he was cursed into a deep coma, or just to the point of life where he isn't dead, or something? (They don't go into it at all, so I guessed here) and they can't fix the curse until the kill the person who cast the curse (PLOT HOLE).Vin meets Rose Leslie (the chick from Game of Thrones who can only say "Jon Snow") to get her to mix a potion so he can see a memory of his death from 800 years ago, he sees the dude who killed Caine, but it wasn't in the dream, he's trapped in the real world! A pretty bad fight ensues and Leslie's bar gets burned down. Doesn't deter Vin, he needs to finds that memory! So he enlists her help again, nothing really happens for a couple minutes and then Diesel has a place he can go to find out... a place that will cost him. Turns out its a... Zoolander style fashion show where the models are all witches I guess? He meets a lady (I can't remember her name, she was only in it for a minute or two) and asks for her help, she says she'll help, but betrays him and leaves him to be taken by the bad guys. Leslie uses her real power of dream walking to save him and he kicks some ass, but not really and they leave. Vin acknowledges that she was a dream walker and says that it's a dark power and she still used it to save him, that the dream walkers were assassins back in the day. "There's a power that dream walkers have that no one knows about, they don't need a potion to get into someones dream." HOW DOES HE KNOW THIS IF NO ONE KNOWS THIS?!?! So she helps him and you find out that the first dolan didn't kill the witches heart and it has been kept by the church for 800 years so he can be a weapon for them. He's pissed, but also VERY DUMB. He says earlier in the movie that a curse can't be lifted until the person who casts the curse is killed, but he's STILL FUCKING ALIVE! He would be dead if the curse layer was dead. 800 years of life and the dude doesn't think this through, lord that's rough.He confronts Wood who says he wouldn't betray the church, that Michael Caine knew too and that he was put into a curse/coma as a torture to tell people where the witches heart is so they can resurrect her.They resurrect her.Vin meets up with her and she shoves her arm into his chest and tells him that she didn't make him immortal, she gave him her immortality until she came back? So he's no longer cursed, but he's a mortal now, not that it matters really. (PLOT HOLE?)She has a plan to release another black plague on the world and needs a coven to do so... but wait! The church has been keeping witches prisoner for 800 years and they made the biggest coven ever underneath their very feet! Oh my God this movie is getting dumber and dumber. Diesel, Leslie and Wood (Now that's a 70's folk band name!) go to confront the witch and kill her. They find out all the magic users are... chanting using their minds to bring forth a black plague, making a chain with their minds? Diesel pulls Gilgun out of the prison and they find out that you can only break the chain if you destroy his mind. Simple, shoot him in the fucking head and explodify his brain, right? No no, have the dream walker go in and fight him in his dream to fell more useful. While she's doing this Diesel fights the sentinel and rides it like a bucking bronco. A weird part of this scene is he stabs it in the spine(?) and it rears its head in pain, but it's not a sentient being and I don't think it would feel pain. It's like a golem made of bone. But whatever, he kills it and tells Wood to wait for Leslie and take her away when she's finished fighting Freddy Kruger style, only to have Wood betray Diesel and try to become a witch. He can't because he's a boy and boys can't become witches. Silly Wood, witches are for girls. No, seriously, he wants to be a magic user, but can't be, so the witch fucking kills him.The big fight scene between Diesel and the witch was pretty poor and he uses the same sword to stab her like he did 800 years prior TO THE DAY!(I don't know if it was, just sounded more intense) Not a great fight at all truth be told, but he wins and sees that her heart is still beating so he's immortal again. But I don't really get how he would be immortal again, she would have taken the curse off of him to get it back, wouldn't she? So the curse would be lifted and she'd have to curse him again? I'm not sure how witch curses work yet, I'm only a 10th level warlock myself. He realizes that he's ready to die so he goes to stab her heart, but wait! Leslie doesn't want him to because "She's seen the darkness and the evil is only waiting for a world he's not a part of", so he keeps the heart in a jar now.The movie ends with Diesel talking to Michael Caine about how he's not doing this for the church anymore, he's going to do it for himself. Kind of a dumb ending when they could have had him killing some witches, but whatever.FUCK I LOVE THIS MOVIE. It was everything I hoped it would be and more. Even to the point where I was throwing lines out to the movie that I hoped they would say and they somehow came up with a cheesier line. HEY MICHAEL CAINE, WHY DO WE FALL DOWN? SO WE CAN GET THE FUCK BACK UP AND MAKE THE LAST WITCH HUNTER! See this movie.