Stolen (2012)

Starring: Nicolas Cage, Malin Akerman, Josh Lucas, Mark Valley, M.C. GaineyPlot: Nicolas Cage plays Will Montgomery, a thief fresh off an 8 year stint in the clink and he wants one thing... to be the father he wasn't allowed to be to his daughter. Vincent (Lucas) wants his cut of the the million dollars that "Gum" got sent away for.51lKwCfCk9L._SX940_Review:  Before I get into this, I want to reiterate that I am not a professional write of any kind, I haven't gone to school for film studies or anything like that, i'm just a dude who really likes movies.  That being said, when I do a lot of reviews I try to make it so that when people read them, they can picture me actually talking about it.  I use my hands while I talk and I swear a lot more than when I write, but I do my best.  That being said, I watched this movie and took notes to give you guys my best.This movie was dumb.  I wrote that down six times on my piece of paper but at the same time it was really fun.  I started to watch it because I have found myself defending Nicolas Cage a decent amount lately, because despite the fact he is in a LOT of super shitty movies, he is also in a lot of great movies, and NO ONE can say that Nicolas Cage doesn't somehow find a way to give more than 100% to his movies all the time.The first scene in this movie is a successful and then botched bank heist where M.C. Gainey (who reunites with Cage after being "Swamp Thing" in Con-Air) has the fantastic line of "The hand is going up the skirt and coming up on the moose knuckle" at which point Malin Akerman, who is super hot but picks mostly poor movies, complains that men always find new, gross ways to describe a vagina.... a moose knuckle is clearly a description for seeing a dudes junk through tight pants.  A Camel toe would be what she refers to and I was really confused that people didn't correct her.  Lock it up Akerman.During the robbery, Vincent sees what looks like a billion dollars in gold bricks and is really tempted to take it as well, but Gum (The weird nickname they call Cage) tells him not to and that a brick weighs 27.5 pounds which is much more than 10 million in bills (factually correct, by the by), so they run with the cash, are seen by an old guy and Cage gets betrayed by the people he loves after shooting Vincent in the leg.8 years laterOut of prison, Gum wants to see his little girl.  she doesn't want anything to do with him and she is seeing a shrink for abandonment issues... dude didn't really abandon her though, he went to prison trying to give you a better life, you dumb little kid!  Have some respect for a working man! Sorry, got a little lost there. We then find out that Vincent, who according to everyone had died at the hands of some drug dealers, but isn't dead at all!  Check this, dude fakes his own death, starts a new life with new name, new prints, new job IN THE SAME FUCKING CITY. Rookie mistake moron.  BUT, the big saving grace is that Vincent is now super crazy and willing to go toe to toe with Nic Cage, the king of crazy.UnknownOh man, I'm so sorry.  I was just trying to give Lucas on ten, when I should have given Lucas on seven.So they go forward with how Vincent wants his money and if he doesn't get it, he's going to kill Gums daughter.Here's the rub though, Cage has an ace up his sleeve, the FBI who put him away are keeping tabs on him!  So he just goes to their office in New Orleans and gets the dude arrested right?  Wrong, they don't believe him, why would they, he's a criminal!A lot of dumb stuff ensues, and this movie encompasses all of the difficulty a generic action movie does.  Cage falls into a dumpster filled with wood and garbage and things (I assume nails in the wood too), gets in a car accident where the car hits a concrete median and literally flips and rolls more than once, gets lit on fire and is basically completely unharmed until he gets shot.  I just dislike how action stars feel no pain, or the adrenaline can get them through armageddon until the end of the movie.Blah blah blah, movie ends with Gum stealing a bunch of gold bricks and trading them back for his daughter.  I did some math and if they split the take of ten million dollars four ways, that's 2.5 million dollars apiece in gold bricks that approximately 8 bricks, which at 27.5 pounds a piece is 230 pounds or so. Cage looked to be dragging so much more than that, possibly the entire ten million dollars in bricks, which is 33.3 bricks , bringing the grand total weight to 916 pounds that he's dragging around... now I'm not saying that Nicolas Cage isn't the strongest man alive, or that the adrenaline form saving his daughter or steal in a thousand pounds in gold may not help, but this seems more than ridiculous to me.Some weird notes on the movie, and things I found decently comical:- The music in this movie is so out of place.  It's like a weird action crime drama movie, but the soundtrack listens like a happy jazz record from 1984, super confusing.- I noticed that after all of the movies he's been in, that Nicolas Cage is a really bad action star.  Like.... should not be in action movies.  He's a really bad runner too, like... ugly, Al Pacino bad, which is impressive and sad.- The heist scene at the end where Cage steals a bunch of gold is actually kind of awesome.  Rather than breaking into the bank, they break under it and melt a bunch of gold so seep through the floor in liquid form, and then carry it away through the sewers, which was far more inventive than I give them credit for.- the end fight scene, where Cage is both lit on fire AND shot in the stomach revolves around a car that was lit on fire as well, with his daughter in the trunk.  Cage tries more than once to start the car while his daughter is being burned alive almost and drives into a lake... why wouldn't he just pop the trunk?  she could jump out pretty easy i imagine, she'd be motivated to not be lit on fire... Watch this movie guys, it is 100% worth it.