I’ve never been one to gush over the Lord Of The Rings series. I don’t recall the books at all despite having read them at one point in time. I remember not enjoying the on-screen Lord Of The Ringstrilogy, feeling that it was far too long and had plot holes galore. That being said, when the offer was put on the table to see the first of three Hobbit movies in the theatre, I thought it might be a pleasant change. I put aside my issues so that I could just enjoy the movie. I mean, there’s literally no way it could be worse than those stupid Twilight shit-shows!
Rather than have a long-winded review in which I tear apart plot holes, thematic weakness and blah blah blah; I opted to write a synopsis of the film with my almost complete lack of knowledge for the story. I don’t recall names of people or places, but I still think it’s a good enough synopsis to get onto IMDb. To preface, I had a small nerdgasm over the Star Trek Into Darkness preview. There were some other previews but I don’t think I cared about them. Some sci-fi crap with Cruise and Smith. Previews can certainly add to a film because if I’m excited about the previews, that energy generally carries over to the feature film. Back on track…
The screen lights up with the MGM Lion going RAWWRRRR. I love that Lion and bet his name is Leo. We get some credits and a Hobbit title. Good solid cinematic form thus far! The movie starts with the priest from The Fifth Element talking and writing a book. The stupid kid from Deep Impact shows up and is meddlesome. They talk about some party – probably an orgy. I bet those little bastards are freaky. In his meddling, it’s revealed that the priest is writing a memoir of sorts and the Hobbit town thinks he’s an anti-social weirdo. He smokes a pipe containing what I can only assume to be some opium. It cuts to “sixty years earlier” and Tim from The [British] Office is a fucking Hobbit! He’s got gigantic feet and is smoking the what I presume is the same opiate. Magneto shows up and wants to go on an adventure but The Office Tim is a pussy and says no. There’s mention of everything going as expected and then there’s a cut scene with the title “An Unexpected Journey”. See what they did there? Good work, writers!
Magneto carves some graffiti into The Office Tim’s door then leaves. I guess the graffiti was a gang symbol because the seven dwarves (except there’s like thirteen of them?) show up and proceed to eat all of Tim’s food. They do the dishes, sing a song and basically reveal the plot of the movie around the dinner table. Magneto isn’t a great wizard, but there’s a bit of foreshadowing suggesting he might be. There’s a weird brown wizard that hates people and loves animals. The seven dwarves used to live in a place called something-or-other and had a greedy king that had lots of treasure. They got kicked out of their mountain-cave-castle by a dragon that loooooooooooves goooooooold. I think it might be Mike Myers. In the eviction, there are some lady-looking dudes on horses that don’t help the dwarves. The dwarves are pissed about it! Their mission for this movie is to get their home back and they have a map that shows where the secret back door is. They want Tim because he’s super-sneaky and shit. He has no confidence and feels he will inevitably be a hindrance to the mission. Ooh, foreshadowing! Seriously good work, writers!
They all go on the mission despite Tim’s trepidation. At first Tim was like nooooo but then he just decides he’s like yessssss. The brown wizard dude sees that the land and animals are dying. I think he’s kinda like Dr. Doolittle except more of a hobo and probably addicted to drugs. He meets up with Magneto, the dwarves and Tim. He is scared because there’s a shadow dude that talks to dead people and is a super badass. I should also mention that there’s like a million different kinds of non-people around. There’s the lady-men, the dwarves, the ogres, the orcs, the pointy-eared lady-men elves. There’s probably more, but it’s really hard to remember them all. The pointy-eared lady-men elves and the regular lady-men might be the same group. All I know is that Mr. Smith from The Matrix is the boss of them. After a fight with I think the ogres and after outrunning the orcs; Magneto, Tim and the dwarves find some secret city where the pointy-eared lady-men elves live. They all have a meeting and Count Dooku shows up. Some broad that has a weird accent is there too. They talk some crap, and ooooooh – there’s a sword from some war they all fought in. They tie it in with the Sixth Sense talks-to-dead-people guy from earlier. Oh snap – Magneto was just keeping their attention so the dwarves could sneak off and keep on their mission! New paragraph!
The dwarves and Tim are walking along a mountain side when the camera pans out and the mountains are MOUNTAIN-MEN! There’s a pointless mountain-men fight and a lame attempt at suspense. They sleep, but Tim decides to leave because he doesn’t think he’s man (hobbit?) enough to be part of the team. But then WHAM! His magic sword lights up like a not-so-cool lightsaber and it lets the team know that the orcs are coming for them. The ground splits and OH SHIT IT’S A TRAP! They fall down like a million feet and end up in the cave-city of some other gross little group that I don’t even know what the fuck they are. The boss has a huge goiter. Tim is separated from the dwarves and finds some little weird dude that speaks like a retarded child and has a golden ring. He drops the ring and Tim picks it up. They play a riddle game and Tim wins but doesn’t actually get his prize because the little weird dude wants to eat him. Tim puts on the ring and OH SNAP he’s invisible! WHAT THE FUCK!? Back with the dwarves, Magneto shows up and rescues them. Tim gets away from the weird dude and they all meet up at a mountain cliff with some trees and are trapped by the orcs I think. There’s so many fucking different kinds of not-people. They ride big dogs or wolves or something. Anyways, they’re trapped. The dwarf king guy wants to fight the orc but gets a beat-down. Tim mans up and saves him, proving he’s not a pussy! Hooray! Magneto uses his magic, which ends up being great, (foreshadowing proven!) to rescue the dwarves from the trees that they’re from and they all get taken to a mountain top by giant eagles where they look on to see the other mountain with that secret back door that they need to get to. More foreshadowing coming right up, because Tim says “looks like there won’t be any more trouble”. What an idiot! That means there most certainly WILL BE more trouble! Jesus, has he never seen a horror movie before?! As an aside, why the fuck didn’t they just use those giant eagles to fly right to the back door? No one would see that shit coming! There’s some credits that I didn’t stay for because who the hell cares about the grip, best boy, and other crappy behind-the-scenes jobs? If you’re not on camera, you’re crap. Am I right? Hells yeah, boyyyyyyy!
That’s basically how I spent three hours. I actually enjoyed it, despite clearly showing very little intimate recollection of plot, character detail, and other fine nuance. It was in 3D and there was an advert toting 3D as “the newest technology” or something similar. Didn’t it come out in the fifties? Maybe this 3D is different? I dunno. One of Biff’s thugs wore 3D glasses in 1955, so maybe we can ask him what’s changed. Long story short, it was good enough to make me want to watch that Lord Of The Rings trilogy to see if I’ll have a different opinion now. I guess that’s ten hours I’ll have to dedicate… Or not.